cbarrows's Xanga

Fringes

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 22:20:24 GMT

Seeing. Looking. Waiting. Breathing. "Imagining." Being. These things seem important, no? The very essence of life - or a life well-lived, at least. Yet... how is it that these things that I long to embody often seem so unattainable in the throes of busyness and planners... work and errands and checklists. Life often sweeps my feet out from under me, and these things are left on the sideline as I sprint to keep up with whatever deadline is ever-dangling in front of my determined face like a stringed banana that I will never catch (nice analogy, eh? :). I easily get lost in the fast pace of school, work, checklists, etc. as stress settles in next to me like an all-too familiar and weighty companion. My eyes grow dim with that companion next to me and I slide blindly past wonders scattered all about my feet. I trudge through my week with a thick cloud above me and a mischievous "friend" by my side, only to find that I have missed out on much. There have been moments when I could have chosen to see tiny dancing lighted wonders or that dazzling color or that wondrous smile or that tiny glorious leaf, but alas... my paunchy companion has kept me from seeing these "fringes" of glory glittering all about me.

I don't think I am alone in the scurry that we have all grown quite accomplished at performing with ease - the same one that keeps us from seeing what is by our big toe or sitting next to us on the couch. So, not that i can snap my fingers at the approach of this new year and slow down time so that I can smell the wafting fragrances in the air as I stoop in slow, perfect motion to peek at glimmering dew on a newly opened flower at my feet (although, that would be nice). But I can seek to find ways to build into my days moments of slowed-down-time. Time to stop. To look for the fringe scattered about my feet. Time to listen for whispers. And time to whisper back an echoed thanks.

Jones agrees, too, I think. About the need to look. And others... Dillard. Thoreau. etc.

"What do we see if we take the time to look? We see disconnection, absurdity, and glory - certainly these are contradictory things. If we look hard enough, we will see a great deal of glory and promise. Unfortunately, our vision is often distorted by pain and suffering. But we need to look at pain and suffering if we are to see past them to the glory and the promise. There is real glory in a way of believing that tries to be honest about what it sees."
- Soul Making by Alan Jones

Also see: Job 26:14!

so, why not start now?? glimmers. glitter. glory. goodness. grace. hmmm... well, why not start with something that speaks to me (loudly) of all of these "g's?!"

Snow!!!

snowflakes!

woah.

lots.

I have always been fascinated with snowflakes. Snow in general - the sight of a gusty storm out the window at home, the fields scattered with the white glory. the trees laden with it, the fields scattered with such an abundant glory that the breath is very nearly knocked out of me. But the thing that gets me the most and makes the whole word come alive with acuteness and absurdity is when I pull on my boots, put on a coat, and step out into the mayhem of whirling excessive beauty. I stoop down... sit... and get close enough to see. To really peek at what is littering the ground with such ridiculous beauty. and there they are. perfect little shapes. not globs of white, plunked down to make a pretty blanket only from afar - oh no! Instead, there at my feet (and under my toosh!?! oops) are delicate, intricate, amazing shapes littered, scattered, tilting this way and that, precariously positioned all about. what is this crazy excess of creativity, i wonder? i mean, little blobs of ice without shape that cover the world in a blanket of white - that i can understand. that i get. even that would be (and sometimes is) breathtaking. but this... this flagrant disregard for simplicity - this bombastic language of creation... this spell-binding show of care to detail... THIS leaves me reeling. and this... this always whispers of glory to me.

And... it's rather on the loud side for a whisper.

show off!

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:35:25 GMT

oh, the glory to waking up to shadows on my wall! and do you know what shadows mean!!?? The SUN is back in residence, folks! - for even a little while. what a good feeling to wake up to bright, glorious rays of light streaming into my room! enough to make a shadow on the wall. that is being a little cocky, if you ask me... "hey, look what i can do!" yes, i see that, sun. thanks for doing your job again. but, it is good motivation to get up an at 'em if i ever saw one... slightly more-so that the morose, soupy, fog-laden days we've had of late...so, i'll take showing-off-kind-of-sunny, thanks.

and sunny + Christmas tree waiting joyfully in the living room?! even better. We trekked out to Auburn, found ourselves the best darn tootin tree we could ("have to be able to touch the top of it" was our main restriction... we found out last year the hard way - oh, and better to be able to reach around a good portion of it, too....) we cut it down ourselves... and then hoisted it into a cart, got it bailed and proceeded into Christmas heaven - a barn filled with all things Christmas, not the least of which was hot chocolate and fudge that we promptly ordered (the promise of hot chocolate being a major reason we chose this farm... it's important to the experience!) then we tied it down to the car (i was pretty proud of that... no males needed, except the one who hoisted it up there. it stayed in place on the roof like a gem... after a little fiddling... and much worry... but stay, it did!).

and we made treats and watched polar express and ate yummy things and put the lights on and the ornaments and made crafts and ... sigh. Christmas is here.

how's my paper coming, you ask?

well, i'm getting there, thank you. but my heart is lighter after all that play, so maybe the writing will go faster!

wrestling match...

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 20:41:24 GMT

i don't know if i've ever been this ready for a break. I need one. my body needs one. my brain needs one. My emotions need one. but no. still... 2 papers, 2 exams, 1 huge journal project and counting. sigh. My ability to think is shutting down... and my movie appetite is growing (procrastination is just way too fun). A break would be nice, thank you.

but. on the upside. I have found a new perfect little spot to write - A little coffee shop called Chocolati... I am sitting at a little table, with few people around me, sweet smelling raspberry tea by my side and a perfect view of Greenlake just to my left. I think I'm gonna like this place. a new hide-away, paper writing spot, me thinks. sigh. so, if i must wrestle my intellect into a corner a few more times before the break comes, there are worse places for such a wrestling match...

I don't know that much more can be squeezed out of me this term, but we shall see. Letty Russell, my theologian of choice and I - we'll find out together...

All good things

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:27:26 GMT

It feels good to do the things that make us who we are... this past week i did a lot of that. My sister was in town, so we talked, we ate good food, we went on walks, we laughed, we watched movies, and we did crafts. I have not done enough creating lately. I forget how much I love it. I love the act of making things with my hands... taking an assortment of whatever odds and ends, buttons and strings are around me and making... earrings... or a wallet... or whatever... It is so deeply satisfying and allows something that is inside to find expression in the outside world. I need more of that in my life. but for now: back to the books... sigh. but soon, some blessed day not too far off, i will be turning in the last of the papers, and finishing that last of the exams and the only thing on the agenda will be... creating. laughing. celebrating. enjoying. writing. loving... and eating... all good things, if you ask me.

poem. (written after hearing luci shaw)

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:50:07 GMT

sitting near her stirred longings
that I had forgotten existed
A grand-motherly fondness and
ache for comfort and care that
resides in the arms of age and
wisdom and kindness

A sweet, full and earthen wisdom
she wore around her as a
cloak - and with tenderness
she offered life. A drink
of something rich and whole and true.

Images of Mare flashed through
my mind. Her hands, her smile, her
spry gate and mischievous eyes.
She would have joined the tattoo
party, had she been offered the
chance. An ache arose that
was not bidden... but I am
familiar with its presence.

But... it was not merely an ache
that grew to bursting - it was
a shifting and a leverage - a
grounding in the soil of the day,
of the moment - that filled me
with wonder. awe. hope.
Delight. And I wondered
what made me choose this
profession. one of drudging up and
sinking in. I pray I can learn to also
call forth. and out. and... up.

I ached to create - in that space,
pregnant with goodness and grace and
tenderness. An energy to add to
the shifting images... and a glory arose
in my inner housing, and something
came forth... and rested. That which
has not found rest in some time...

it feels like life blood surging through my
veins - these dreams.

Luci Shaw

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:00:49 GMT

when I am 78, I, too, want to get a tattoo. What an amazing woman - that Luci Shaw. Her poems were magical. They transported us into another space and time. they spoke in whimsical terms of things that we trivialize and moments that have become mundane - the annunciation and the virgin birth... the coming of Christ into this world...

She was truly lovely.

and a dogwood tattoo on her arm?! "oh, I got it two years ago."

I want to be her someday. Tender, lovely, whimsical, with a little dogwood secret newly settled on my arm.

Agony and Hilarity

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 06:47:46 GMT

One of my favorite things: books that make me laugh out loud... you know the feeling - you are sitting on the bus or alone in your room... and you can't contain it. The muffled giggle... then the uncontrollable guffaw. Those lines or stories that are just so witty and unexpected that even the covert glances do not disuade the under-the-breath-chuckle and the grin that won't go away... the chuckles that sometimes grow to the "one false move and I'm going to make a scene" repressed kind of laughter. Books that you fall in love with. Yeah, those are pretty great.

i like me some David James Duncan these days. In the midst of reading about attachment theory, gnosticism, christology, sexual perversion and panic disorders... I need me some David James Duncan to bring hilarity back to my life. One chapter quoted Norman Maclean on the need for both hilarity and agony together in our lives. I've had a good bit of the later lately. And, i hereby declare that I am in need of some laughter mixed in there. And what an unlikely place... an unassuming little bundle of pages that has found it's home in the indiscreet pile of books by my bed... It's been neglected this semester as I swim in journal articles and the DSM-IV and all sorts of super-exhilarating books. (insert sarcasm. lots.). The neglected ones have been those books that I merely look at. Pine over. Wish for. I keep them near to keep me sane. They are there, reminding me of goodness, even if all i can do is peek inside, glance at their friendly pages... and then put them back in there place with a sigh. a hopeful "Christmas break is almost here" kind of sigh. But this week something changed. I needed doses. Glances were no longer cutting it... I needed doses of goodness and Truth that came from outside of psychological books or even Theological ones... as great as they are. I needed something that would speak of mystery and magic and lightness and... something that would make me laugh. laugh on the bus alone as i rode in a busy rush hour traffic. I needed laughter and goodness and... hilarity. So, I picked up this neglected book, dusted it off, and packed it along side the others as I ventured to school. And I read of "De-bor-HA," the "caught and released" woman at a conference and other fantastic, funny-bone tickling chapters... Yes, it has certainly not failed me - this unassuming bundle that has waited patiently... Books are good like that.

"Agony and hilarity are both necessary for salvation." - Norman Maclean.

Good ol' Norman. Good ol' David. Good ol' salvation...and Good ol' laughter.

colorful casualties

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:00:38 GMT

I am ever amazed with the glories of fall - and this fall is no exception.

The other day I went for a stroll around GreenLake and I was utterly astounded. I think I laughed aloud to myself a few times. The glories of the changing trees is just too much sometimes. I mean, really?! Who thought of this?! Green most of the year and then BAM! - color. I was thinking of the quote by... Emerson?... about the glory of the heaven... (OH, here it is: “If the stars should appear but one night every thousand years how man would marvel and stare." - R.W. Emerson.) and I realized that this is no less true for the changing of the trees. Can you imagine if you lived your whole life with "boring" green trees, and then... say every 20 years they all changed into brilliant yellows, oranges, browns, golds, reds, pinks, purples, etc, etc... Can you even imagine how astounded we would all be? It would apear ridiculous! How almost laughable and bizarre the sight of a fire engine red tree blazing in all it's glory - even shedding it's glory!? - would be when we were so accustomed to monochromatic being.

God is truly a God of excess and extravagance. As i walked the other day, I was caught up in the wonder of the still-changing glory that is all around us. It's not as though the leaves all suddenly change and then all fall off within days, with only the promise of winter to come. No, there is an exquisite transformation that lasts for weeks. I walked past trees that had every color of the rainbow. I was brought to an abrupt halt in front of one as I laughed out loud at the splendor. Purples. I saw purples!! And red veins inside still brightly colored green leaves and yellow veins dancing in outlandishly brilliant oranges, and some leaves that are not sure whether they are changing from red to gold or gold to orange, or... There is a battle of the paintbrush ensuing all around us... and colorful casualties lie scattered all about our feet. What a crazy world we live in.

Even today, I was walking and came across a tree that made me laugh. Neon pink. Neon pink leaves! I kid you not. I plucked a few off this tall-tale tree and they are currently pinned to my board of outdoorsy magic. And they stand out in their absurdity. Neon pink leaves amidst an array of browns, tame greens and subtle, deep reds. Utterly ridiculous! God is amazingly luxurious and seemingly unwilling to follow any sort of expected laws... Go figure.

So, as winter lies around the corner and new glories await, don't forget to stop and gaze at the trees... and giggle a bit at the grandeur of our world... and the extravagance of those crazy fallen pieces of art...

lost sock, anyone?

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:42:43 GMT

rediscovery. it's a good feeling.

you rediscover that lost shirt in your closet... "aha! there you are, missing shirt!" you forgot it even existed, but there it is - hiding in the deepest recesses of your closet... giddy as you pull it out, hopeful it will be used and not tossed aside once again. the shirt is happy, and you - well, you feel like you just got a new shirt, for it's been so long since you saw this one, that it might as well be brand new.

brand spanking new.

well... i just found a shirt this weekend... more of a metaphorical shirt, you could say. I guess i just had some good, needed run-ins with the familiar. ya know, that little guy who shows his face randomly and all of the past comes rushing back to sit right next to you. or on top of you... sometimes overwhelming and not allowing you to breath, but other times just playfully flinging that lost shirt right in your face. the one your forgot about, but is so familiar that you can't believe you ever lived without it... seeing old friends can be like that - rediscovering parts of yourself that you forgot. sometimes its just getting to bask in the glory of that old, threadbare shirt that you used to love... the one you lost and now that you found it... you remember what it was like to wear it. it felt good. that's what it's like. a blast from the past. a moment of rest. a breath of fresh air. that favorite old t-shirt, resurrected.

and then... doing things you used to love, and forgot to do - that's a similar feeling... just maybe more to do with seeing more roots take hold and dig deep - cause this is who i am, not just who i was. doing that. singing like that. playing like that. here in this place, too - not just there. i love to sing. to play. to dance. to sing and play and dance at the same time. to praise. to sing praise. i haven't done that in far too long. to sit with someone and sing. to sit outside in the waning day... and take in the sky... take in the air, the trees, the gold on the undersides of the leaves far away in that tree - why are those leaves orange and the others aren't? strange. and lovely. moments like that. yeah, they have been far too infrequent lately. but there, look - see those little shoots of life and those little roots take off? yep. feels good. that's who i am. that part of who i am that was lost in with the old prom dresses. i remember now. thanks, little t-shirt.

so, finding old shirts feels pretty good. even better when you remember to keep it out and not let it get lost again in the mayhem of your closet.

even if it is a big closet - spanning huge spaces of land and almost a whole continent. doesn't mean things, people, roots, essence-of... needs to get lost in that chasm. nope. sure don't.

epiphany

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:44:05 GMT

so, i had this strange epiphany last night... that is still lingering a bit this morning. they happen every once in a while. these epiphanies.

i stood up after working long hours on this paper - the paper that decided not to cooperate and simply write itself... i stood up - to stretch, to get a change of scenery, etc - and was caught by my reflection in the mirror by my bed - like i had never seen my own face before or something... like this "who is that?!" thought and this... sudden rush of awe at life. this... here i am... slaving away on a silly Old Testament Paper, feeling like that is all there is in the world right now... and then whoosh. My legs are kicked out from under me and i start thinking all philosophical. but not thinking, really. it's just something that happens. A feeling. awe, maybe. the sudden realization that we are these created being floating around in this huge universe... and then the inevitable - the laugh-ability of how near-sighted i am. in regards to this paper and in other regards - the "world revolves around me" mentality. but it doesn't. WHOOSH. oh, yeah. i'm this finite creature - created. Wow. AWE-some. And i have nothing to do with my own existence. WHOOSH. and that means that SomeOne created me... and is here now... with me... WHOOSH WHOOSH.

Well, that's the best i can do at describing my late night, post-paper-writing epiphany. I don't think I got very close to really describing it... but it feels pretty ephemeral. (i like that word, too) But... in my own head, it's a good reminder... even if i should just keep this to myself. these little epiphanies. This paper is not all there is to life. Nor is this room, this house, this city, this country...

WHOOSH....

now, back to that paper...